Earlier today Will made quite an unusual step of taking to social media to declare his battle against a nervous breakdown. Will wouldn’t normally speak publicly about his life or his emotions; he’s quite a private and level guy. As expected his page was filled with an outpouring of love and support from his friends and family. I imagine that many would be shocked. This wasn’t an attention grabbing exercise. This is real.
It wasn’t a shock for any of The Yallas. We’ve been well aware of his situation for most of the year. Every gig has been a potential cancellation. Each show has been a huge battle for Will. How he got through it I will never know. I think for him the two most difficult ones were the Spring Bank Holiday gigs in Middlesborough and London. The long journeys and being far from home were particularly tormenting. He had been on a decline for a while but these shows were at the peak of it. I’ve been in a band with Will for eleven years and I had never experienced this. I was treading new waters. Normally it would be myself that is falling apart. It would’ve been wise to cancel the gigs but my plan was purely to keep Will occupied, and to play the blues out of his system. Though I was doing my upmost to distract him we would spend most of the journeys talking about medication, therapy, and what comes next. In between our deep conversations I would be answering messages from his worried family all the while trying to keep their minds at ease.
The Middlesbrough gig was a good show. I noticed that Will was tired. He looked exhausted; he had lost some weight. Still his guitar playing was great, and if anything it had more bite and aggression. Go on lad. Get it out of you. After the show he was spent and slept all the way back to Leeds.
The next morning we arranged to meet at Leeds Bus Station to make the arduous journey via National Express to The Windmill in Brixton. Will was already in tears and spent most of the four-hour journey sobbing and drifting in and out of sleep. Part of me was worried that maybe this would be too much for him but we’re already on our way. I encouraged him that we’ll have a good show and a few beers afterwards. Everything will be all right.
We arrived in a baking hot London. I was wearing shorts, a vest, a hat, and sunglasses. I had no personal luggage. I was pretty much ready to walk onstage. We made our way to the hostel and the band had a real laugh at me trying to check in. Especially Will, where he jokingly exclaimed something like “Fucking Singers, Have you brought anything at all?” which was in response to me having no I.D. No Money or my glasses. I offered to show the attendant my Facebook profile as an alternative to your usual accepted forms of I.D. and I asked Vince to loan me some money for the room. Success. I wouldn’t mind but after all the hassle I didn’t even end up staying in the hostel anyway. We made our way to the venue, which was hosting an all day Punk Rock BBQ. Between us we watched all of the bands whilst also taking time out to enjoy the sunshine.
We are the last band on the bill and were told we could play for as long as we wanted as opposed to the events standard twenty-minute slot. We decided to play for over an hour. Will had perked up during the day. I ensured that he ate his lunch to give him some much-needed strength. Poor lad was looking shell-shocked. It was evident that his mind was in a million pieces and he didn’t know where to start rebuilding it. Just before we went on stage my friend Barbara arrived. It was great to see her. I dedicated ‘Mi Corazon 2’ to her. I introduced it by saying “I imagined this song to be sung by a beautiful Italian lady, but instead you’re going to have to make do with a scumbag from Leeds”, which drew a few laughs from the audience. During the show I noticed Will was crying whilst playing. I whispered, “Are you alright?” “Yeah man” as he turned away from the crowd wiping his eyes. After the gig I’m more exhausted than usual but I’m in the mood for drinking with the band and Barbara. I somehow lost my clothes but I managed to find someone else’s other ill-fitting clothes instead, at least they were clean on this hot summers eve.
Even though I was in party mode I must admit that I’m really drained at this point. I’m not looking forward to the hostel and I could do with some home comfort. I needed some space. I ask Barbara if I could stay with her “Of course” she replied. We drink some more at the Windmill before leaving the guys. On the way to the night bus we walk through Brixton and the energy in that borough is something else. There were boom boxes and drinking in the street. It was like an outdoor nightclub, crazy to witness. It’s been a few years since I’ve been here. We walk past Ray Gange’s old place where I have stayed before. We pick up some beers from the night shop and I thank Barbara for letting me stay with her and I explain a little of Will’s situation, and that I just need time away from him so I could have the energy to support him on the journey home tomorrow.
We made it back to Barbara’s flat in Bromley and it’s a real nice place. I admire her trinkets and we listen to some Yma Sumac and talk about the planets and the stars. I had earlier pointed out that Venus was in the night sky. Barbara asked me if Venus ruled me? I said “I’m a Taurus and I’m probably ruled by Mars but I seem to have a different energy when Venus is in the sky”. “I have a book, let me get it”, she tells me. Barbara reaches for this huge book and hurriedly finds my page and reads aloud my astrological chart. I’m surprised at how accurate it is. It even appears to confirm that I am indeed ruled by Mars however Venus does take over with a strong calming influence. Her home is cozy and her words are soothing, I’m exhausted and I start falling asleep. I could get used to these bedtime stories.
The next morning I awake early in an attempt to make it back to central London to meet with Will. I step out on to the balcony, which overlooks Bromley; I scare away some pigeons and have a cup of tea. Afterwards I take a steady walk to Bromley South Station to take a train to Victoria. The morning air is cool and is suiting my hangover. I’m well rested though. As the train passes Battersea Power Station I can’t help thinking about the austerity this country is currently enduring but then you notice the construction and money being invested in this city. The contrast to the north is quite staggering. I manage to grab some breakfast before meeting with Will and we are in plenty time for our bus to Leeds. On the way home Will is a little more positive than his journey down. I ask him what did he get up to after I left last night. He told me he and Joel went to The Hootenanny which was a venue below our hostel. There was a reggae band on and he was bumming cigarettes from strangers. He said he actually had a good time just talking to random people. He was astounded that nearly everyone in the venue was “on it” and happily talking to us strangers from the North going against the perception that Londoners are quite inward and unsociable. I’m pleased that they had a good night. Will tells me that he didn’t sleep much. He was awake early with his thoughts.
I try to fall asleep on the coach but I hear Will crying again. My sleep can wait for now. I do my best to talk about his thoughts and also distract him. It’s hard to watch someone in this state. I think of a U2 lyric “They say that a friend is someone that lets you help”. I realise that I’ve known Will for a decade but we’ve never been overly close. It’s only now that I’m realising the importance of our friendship. We’ve always had our own friends and own interests. The common bond has been the band and our friendship has always centred on that. We don’t really socialise outside of The Yallas but I feel like this is all starting to change. We talk about what comes next for the band. We currently only have the Rebellion Festival booked. I suggest only playing only one warm up show and then putting the band to bed until everyone is ready. Will agrees but also offers the line “But I might need this band more than ever”. I’ve been in his shoes. I know what that line means. I’ve walked onstage hours after the death of a family member, or divorcing my wife, or on other life changing events. The band has been my safety net at times. I’m indestructible when I’m on stage. Nothing hurts. “Whatever you need man” I respond.
So to see Will’s social media status today warms me. It’s the sign that the man is on the right path. He’s facing his issues and he’s strong enough to speak out. Another post quickly follows and he’s building a cigar box guitar.